Newsday Tuesday #2

If you're anything like me, you're probably a carbon based life form working 40-60 hours a week and releasing your aggression by yelling not particularly helpful comments at the characters in popular television shows (Seriously Don Draper, another whiskey!? It's 6:45 in the morning you impeccably groomed degenerate!). Also, you've most likely heard about this whole Venus eclipse thing.

There seems to be a lot of excitement over the fact that Venus will pass between the Earth and the sun sometime this evening, causing that most amazing of visual occurrences, the appearance of a small black dot moving across our nearest star. Despite the fact that one could achieve the exact same effect by simply finding a small black dot and holding it up to the sun, scientists are loudly insisting that this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT, much like, say, getting run over by a garbage truck or hearing a Taylor Swift song that doesn't make you wish she had been eaten by tigers in utero. Yep, there's excitement, wonder, and joy just spilling out of every scientific orifice available.

But where is the outrage?

Just who does this Venus think she is? That's our freaking sunlight! Does this carbon dioxide clad, volcano covered bitch really think she can just orbit through the middle of our only damn source of light and heat whenever she feels the urge? That shit may fly over at Alpha Centauri, but not in this solar system. We did NOT spend four and a half billion years slowly cooling from molten rock and gradually evolving a complex ecosystem teeming with life just to have our sunlight poached by a half-assed excuse for a planet that can't even be bothered to develop a planetary magnetic field.

So this is what I have to say to Venus: Step the fuck off. You do not want to mess with us. Nobody is going to stand for this crap. Mercury may not care, but Mercury is a marble compared to our boy Mars. You think they named Mars after the God of War just for kicks? Hell no. Mars will fuck you up. Jupiter has our back too. JUPITER. Jupiter has hurricanes bigger than your entire damn planet.

You have been warned, you filthy celestial whore. You and your absurdly dense atmosphere better check yourself.

Sincerely,
Adam Burns
Self-Appointed Planetary Spokesman 

First of all, I should probably apologize. The more observant among you may have noted that I haven't posted anything in more than two years. And I can only assume you've been saying to yourself, "Oh thank God, now I can go about my day to day life without having to worry about constantly being subjected to that pile of brain-rotting drivel that pops up in my Facebook stream every damn thirty seconds or so". To this I can only respond by saying that:

 A) The more observant among you are kind of a bunch of jerks. And:

 B) I would have posted more, but I ate a particularly large lunch in mid-March of 2010, and I've been waiting for it to properly digest before diving back into this crap.

As it turns out, the thing I was waiting to be digested may or may not have been an enormous tumor (it wasn't, but one cannot overstate the importance of gaining sympathy points) and so I have decided to risk certain death and/or indigestion by returning to this blog.

As we're now halfway through the year, I thought an appropriate return would be to analyze how I have so far fared with my 2012 New Years resolutions.

HOW I HAVE SO FAR FARED WITH MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Not well.

What's that? Not specific enough for you? Well aren't you needy? Fine, let's analyze more specifically how I have so far fared with my New Years Resolutions.

MORE SPECIFICALLY HOW I HAVE SO FAR FARED WITH MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

RESOLUTION 1: Do Not Use Large Unnecessary Title Headings In My Blog Posts

Damn it! Well, that's what I get for not doing any research before writing this idiocy.

RESOLUTION 2: Get Out More

To be entirely honest, for the first five months of the year I misread this as "get off more", which is why if you've tried to contact me you may have reached a pre-recorded message informing you that I was busy in my basement renewing my subscription to MatureNecrophiliacBestiality.com (a site on the internet that features ACTUAL senior citizens having sex with ACTUAL horses that are ACTUALLY deceased, unlike those charlatans at GranniesRidingDeadSheepDick.net).  

RESOLUTION 3: Try To Be More Discreet About My Weird Sexual Proclivities

You know what, I give up. If God wanted me to make resolutions, he would have said so. Or, knowing God, he would have used an obscure Judaic carpenter's random babbling about being an incarnate deity to inspire people to write an unbearably long book with explicit details as to who begat who, a nice little fantasy chapter about a giant being killed by a sling, and an epilogue that features (NOTE: SPOILER ALERT) the complete destruction of everybody by some horseback riding ninnies throwing plagues back and forth like a beach ball at a concert I can't remember cause I was shrooming pretty heavily, to inspire me to realize that I should make resolutions. Also it would apparently inspire me to make loud proclamations about gays not marrying each other as if it was any of my business (which let me be clear, it isn't).

More to come later this week, with the triumphant return of Newsday Tuesday, unless, of course, I find something better to do.

-A. Burns