If you're anything like me, you're probably a carbon based life form working 40-60 hours a week and releasing your aggression by yelling not particularly helpful comments at the characters in popular television shows (Seriously Don Draper, another whiskey!? It's 6:45 in the morning you impeccably groomed degenerate!). Also, you've most likely heard about this whole Venus eclipse thing.
There seems to be a lot of excitement over the fact that Venus will pass between the Earth and the sun sometime this evening, causing that most amazing of visual occurrences, the appearance of a small black dot moving across our nearest star. Despite the fact that one could achieve the exact same effect by simply finding a small black dot and holding it up to the sun, scientists are loudly insisting that this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT, much like, say, getting run over by a garbage truck or hearing a Taylor Swift song that doesn't make you wish she had been eaten by tigers in utero. Yep, there's excitement, wonder, and joy just spilling out of every scientific orifice available.
But where is the outrage?
Just who does this Venus think she is? That's our freaking sunlight! Does this carbon dioxide clad, volcano covered bitch really think she can just orbit through the middle of our only damn source of light and heat whenever she feels the urge? That shit may fly over at Alpha Centauri, but not in this solar system. We did NOT spend four and a half billion years slowly cooling from molten rock and gradually evolving a complex ecosystem teeming with life just to have our sunlight poached by a half-assed excuse for a planet that can't even be bothered to develop a planetary magnetic field.
So this is what I have to say to Venus: Step the fuck off. You do not want to mess with us. Nobody is going to stand for this crap. Mercury may not care, but Mercury is a marble compared to our boy Mars. You think they named Mars after the God of War just for kicks? Hell no. Mars will fuck you up. Jupiter has our back too. JUPITER. Jupiter has hurricanes bigger than your entire damn planet.
You have been warned, you filthy celestial whore. You and your absurdly dense atmosphere better check yourself.
Sincerely,
Adam Burns
Self-Appointed Planetary Spokesman
There seems to be a lot of excitement over the fact that Venus will pass between the Earth and the sun sometime this evening, causing that most amazing of visual occurrences, the appearance of a small black dot moving across our nearest star. Despite the fact that one could achieve the exact same effect by simply finding a small black dot and holding it up to the sun, scientists are loudly insisting that this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT, much like, say, getting run over by a garbage truck or hearing a Taylor Swift song that doesn't make you wish she had been eaten by tigers in utero. Yep, there's excitement, wonder, and joy just spilling out of every scientific orifice available.
But where is the outrage?
Just who does this Venus think she is? That's our freaking sunlight! Does this carbon dioxide clad, volcano covered bitch really think she can just orbit through the middle of our only damn source of light and heat whenever she feels the urge? That shit may fly over at Alpha Centauri, but not in this solar system. We did NOT spend four and a half billion years slowly cooling from molten rock and gradually evolving a complex ecosystem teeming with life just to have our sunlight poached by a half-assed excuse for a planet that can't even be bothered to develop a planetary magnetic field.
So this is what I have to say to Venus: Step the fuck off. You do not want to mess with us. Nobody is going to stand for this crap. Mercury may not care, but Mercury is a marble compared to our boy Mars. You think they named Mars after the God of War just for kicks? Hell no. Mars will fuck you up. Jupiter has our back too. JUPITER. Jupiter has hurricanes bigger than your entire damn planet.
You have been warned, you filthy celestial whore. You and your absurdly dense atmosphere better check yourself.
Sincerely,
Adam Burns
Self-Appointed Planetary Spokesman
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