That's right, kiddies, it's your lucky day. Every Tuesday I'll be bringing you commentary on the most important and scintillating news stories of the week. And by every Tuesday, of course, I mean every Tuesday that I actually feel like doing it.
Today's piece of frightful and disturbing news comes to us from Denver, Colorado. The headline reads as such: "Jury Finds Gay Porn Actor Guilty of Murder". The story revolves around former porn actor and gay male escort Timothy John Boham who murdered a wealthy businessman who had hired him for sex.
As far as I'm concerned, this officially marks the death of civilized society as we know it. Look, anyone who has watched an episode of CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, CSI: Small Abandoned Mining Community In The Mountains Somewhere, etc., is aware that virtually every police officer, public official, doctor, lawyer, architect, or other seemingly upstanding citizen is most likely a depraved murdering psycho*. But until now we have always been able to rely on our gay escorts to provide us with a danger-free anal reaming and the occasional light spooning afterwards (for an additional fee, of course). Now, suddenly, we find that hiring an anonymous stranger for sex is no longer the wholesome family activity we've come to know and love. This is saddening, no doubt, but the truly devastating effects of this story are even more depressing.
*With the exception of David Caruso, of course, who has earned our unquestioned trust via a constant well-timed application and removal of sunglasses.
It would be one thing for us to be forced to reconcile the heinous actions of Timothy Boham with our previously held beliefs regarding the adult entertainment industry, but the reporting body in this case has infinitely widened the scope of the danger by including Timothy's middle name. I, for one, tend to scan a story like this before reading it in full, and upon my first glance I misread the name as being Timothy John BONHAM. Could it be? John Bonham? I mean, it's bad enough to know that I'll be forever looking over my shoulder (or sometimes up at a mirrored ceiling) wondering if my escort is going to unceremoniously end my existence, but to think that I could be gunned down by the long-deceased drummer of one of the most influential rock bands in history is a whole different ballgame. Will we ever again be able to hear the lyrics "Oh, oh, child, way you shake that thing, gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting" without wondering if John Bonham intends to actually, literally, light us on fire? Where once we could innocently listen to "Kashmir" and wonder only "Does anybody know what the fuck this song is supposed to be about?", we now must sit huddled in a corner with a chill running down our spines, praying that we survive the night. And, perhaps most tragically of all, "Stairway to Heaven" will now be a tool used to inspire fear, instead of a tool used by moderately talented amateur guitar players to get laid.
So thanks for nothing, Timothy John Boham. Enjoy prison, which as I understand it pretty much just pro-bono** gay escort work anyway.
**Not to be confused with pro-Bono gay escort work, which is gay escort work provided for free to the members of U2.
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